Oh, the heartbreak! The agony! The sheer injustice of it all! Once again, we must gather to mourn the tragic, soul-crushing launch of yet another Sony PlayStation-published game on PC. This time, the victim is none other than LEGO Horizon Adventures, the game that was supposed to bring joy, charm, and the delightful clack of plastic bricks to our lives.
A game that, Sony hoped, would prove once and for all that Aloy, their beloved progressive lesbian mascot, could thrive even in blocky LEGO form across multiple platforms.
But alas, it seems the cruel, unfeeling PC gamers have shown no mercy, turning their backs on this family friendly masterpiece. According to the cold, heartless data from SteamDB, LEGO Horizon Adventures managed a peak of just 602 concurrent players on Steam at launch, a humiliating flop that makes it Sony’s worst-performing PC release to date.
I wonder if the PSN mandate effectively blocking the game from being sold in over 170 different countries has anything to do with its dismal numbers? Probably not.
For those blissfully unaware of Sony’s recent flops, LEGO Horizon Adventures managed to perform even worse than Horizon Zero Dawn’s completely unnecessary remaster and the equally unwanted Until Dawn remake, which peaked at a dismal 2,538 and 2,607 players on Steam, respectively.
That’s right, even those ridiculed rehashes outshined this latest catastrophe.
What’s truly tragic here is that LEGO Horizon Adventures was meant to be Aloy’s big break into the world beyond PC and PlayStation, bringing her blocky LEGO charm to multiple platforms. Built on the cutting-edge Unreal Engine 5, this game wasn’t just a PlayStation / PC exclusive; it also graced the Nintendo Switch.
And yet, despite all that platform diversity, Aloy’s LEGO debut barely registered a blip on the global gaming radar.
The launch for this game was so disastrous, it even got outplayed by Sackboy: A Big Adventure, you know, that game nobody remembers because Sony didn’t even bother marketing it as a Little Big Planet title. Yet somehow, even Sackboy managed a peak of 610 players at launch. That’s right, Sackboy had more friends than Aloy on his release day, and we’re talking about a dusty two-year-old PlayStation port here.
Meanwhile, LEGO Horizon Adventures is a shiny new release, all set to dazzle players with its plastic bricks and an extra helping of progressive virtue signaling. But it turns out, not even the promise of woke LEGO fun could save it from being ignored by the gaming community.
And let’s not even mention how this game now holds the dubious honor of the worst peak player count for any LEGO game on Steam. Out of a whopping 19 LEGO titles, including the recently released LEGO Harry Potter Collection, which, by the way, is nothing more than a glorified remaster bundling together Years 1-4 and 5-7.
LEGO Horizon Adventures somehow managed to sink to the bottom. Even die-hard LEGO fans couldn’t be bothered to check it out, proving that Aloy’s brick-by-brick adventure was so forgettable, it flew completely under their radar.
But It’s Got Aloy! Why Wont You Love Aloy?!
After two mainline Horizon installments on PlayStation consoles that supposedly sold tens of millions of copies, you’d think the sheer presence of Aloy, Sony’s bold, fierce, totally-not-overcompensating mascot for female empowerment would have drawn in millions of fans. I mean, she’s everyone’s favorite lesbian icon, bravely battling robotic dinosaurs while rocking peach fuzz sharper than her arrows!
What more could you possibly want, gamers? How could anyone resist the chance to play as a LEGO version of her masculine charm, smashing robot T-Rexes into tiny plastic bits?
Oh, I can already hear you grumbling, “But I don’t care about a Horizon game in LEGO form.” Well, shame on you! The developers poured their hearts, souls, and progressive dreams into this project. They painstakingly transformed the post-apocalyptic beauty of Horizon into the magical world of LEGO, yes, LEGO blocks! and somehow, that still wasn’t enough for you?
Are you some kind of bigot who can’t stand fat, ugly lesbians ruining your video games?
But hey, all hope is not lost, there’s still a faint glimmer in this bleak landscape because the weekend is approaching. Maybe, just maybe, after a long week of treating this game with crushing indifference, gamers will finally decide to give LEGO Horizon Adventures a chance. Perhaps, with a sprinkle of luck, we can push those dismal player counts well above 700 concurrent users!
Dare we even dream of 800? I mean, if Sony is more than willing to greenlight and fund a remaster of Horizon Zero Dawn, an unnecessary facelift for a barely four-year-old PC release then surely anything is possible, right?
Guerilla Games and Sony’s Not-So-Subtle Nepotism
Now, let’s address the oversized elephant in the room: the glaring conflict of interest that no one seems to be talking about. LEGO Horizon Adventures is brought to you by the brilliant minds at Guerilla Games, a studio co-founded by none other than Hermen Hulst, who now happens to be the CEO of Sony Interactive Entertainment.
That’s right, folks, the same man who not only greenlit a multiplayer live service spin-off based off the Horizon franchise, a worthless remaster of Horizon Zero Dawn also even a LEGO spin-off is also one of the original founders of the studio milking this franchise dry.
And let’s not ignore the irony here: LEGO Horizon Adventures managed to pull in even fewer players on PC than Concord, Sony’s latest $40 hero shooter with a cast of ambiguously ugly woke characters that was internally hyped by Hermen Hulst as the next big thing for the PlayStation brand. Yet somehow, we’re supposed to believe that he isn’t using his shiny new executive powers to push the pet projects of his old pals at Guerilla Games?
LEGO Horizon is here to remind us that not even children’s toys can revive a franchise desperately clawing for relevance. And you, the consumer, should be at the forefront of this battle, eagerly handing over your hard-earned cash to Sony, all while navigating the economic minefield where many are struggling just to put food on the table.
It’s about showing support for all those developers who sacrificed their time, energy, and sanity to create a game that absolutely no one asked for. Because, let’s be honest, that’s exactly what the entire gaming industry has become, a cesspool overrun by radical feminists shoving their decaying ideology down our throats.
They’re using video games as a vehicle for their propaganda, turning once-beloved franchises into virtue-signaling messes that nobody wants to play, and the result? Massive blockbuster flops that lead to massive layoffs industry-wide. It’s pure cognitive dissonance, folks, a self-inflicted implosion that the industry just can’t seem to learn from.
So here’s my plea to you, dear reader: don’t be so quick to judge. Maybe, just maybe, LEGO Horizon Adventures isn’t the shameless cash grab that it appears to be. Perhaps beneath its soulless, corporate facade lies a genuinely enjoyable experience just waiting to be discovered?
Or maybe Sony is desperately hoping that if they shoehorn Aloy into enough titles, she’ll finally transform into the LGBT mascot that no one asked for to represent the PlayStation brand. Meanwhile, Guerilla Games keeps abandoning the once-beloved Killzone series, instead churning out yet another lifeless, third-person, over-the-shoulder action platformer starring their painfully unattractive inclusive heroine.
But hey, there’s still a faint glimmer of hope, the weekend is days away. Maybe, just maybe, after a week of soul-crushing indifference, gamers will finally rally behind LEGO Aloy and give this game a chance, just like gaming journalists tried so desperately to peddle with Concord. So come on, gamers, let’s unite to save LEGO Horizon Adventures!
Because if we don’t, who else will?
Will Aloy ever forgive us for letting her down? Don’t let this be the end of Sony’s latest attempt at inclusive LEGO adventures. I, for one, am eagerly awaiting Hermen Hulst to greenlight a sequel. This is your moment to make a difference, one concurrent player at a time.
