Hollywood in conjunction with Gearbox Software are stripping the flesh and salting the wounds of the Borderlands faithful with a live action movie that’s destined for the discount bin.
When Randy Pitchford, CEO of Gearbox threatened to develop a Borderlands movie back in August 2015 I was immensely skeptical, mostly because over the past nine years in waiting for this film to seemingly escape its developmental hell I’ve disengage from consuming TV and film media altogether.
Hollywood’s apparent disinterest in creating commercially successful films became evident to me. Instead, it seemed they were solely focused on churning out incoherent and poorly scripted works, serving as mere vessels for propagating a certain message.
However, I struggle to comprehend why modern theatrical films frequently fail to resonate with audiences. If these productions consistently result in significant financial losses, who is consistently investing in their creation? Moreover, why do they persist in making more despite their massive failures?
I’ll leave you to ponder that question.
As for me, I’ve been a devoted fan of the Borderlands franchise since its inception. However, my enthusiasm gradually waned as subsequent sequels veered towards excessive “comedy” that became increasingly cringeworthy. Despite my skepticism about the movie’s potential for success, I held onto a glimmer of hope. I believed that with careful adaptation and ample fan service, a live-action Borderlands movie could, at the very least, provide an enjoyable viewing experience for true fans of the series.
A film centered around a ragtag group of “vault hunters” on a perilous quest for untold riches within an ancient Eridian vault on the hostile planet of Pandora holds promise for an engaging storyline. With its backdrop of treacherous creatures and crazed bandits, there’s potential for a movie that doesn’t suck at the very least.
However, it’s undeniable that the villain from the second game tends to overshadow other aspects of the franchise in popular memory.
In Borderlands 2, the narrative unfolds after the opening of the vault, leading to the emergence of a valuable resource called “Eridium.” It’s revealed that the Hyperion corporation, led by the newly introduced Handsome Jack, orchestrated the initial vault’s opening. Now, Jack aims to dominate the harsh world of Pandora by harnessing Eridium to unlock a new vault housing a formidable creature known as the “Warrior.”
If adapted into a movie you could take any one of these approaches, fans of the series would likely love it considering how Borderlands 2 has sold over 27 million copies thus far. But my enthusiasm quickly died the second they started announcing the cast members for the film.
Gearboxes’ Randy Pitchford was pleased to announce that Kevin Hart would be starring in the film all the way back in January 2021, he would end up playing the part of “Roland” who in the games comes off as being the most sensible and serious character of the original group of vault hunters.
The situation deteriorated further when it was announced that Jack Black would be portraying the character of the iconic and often mocked “Claptrap.” Additionally, Cate Blanchett and Jamie Lee Curtis were slated for significant roles in the film, despite being past their prime by several decades.
After nearly a decade since its announcement, we finally received our first glimpse of the Borderlands movie through a reveal trailer.
Needless to say, it’s bound to suck ass. It would seem that they’ve opted to go for the original games plotline, a group of vault hunters attempting to strike it rich by opening a mysterious alien vault on the hostile planet of Pandora.
But it’s quite clear that the movie will take influence from the latter games produced from the franchise, such as the game that everyone wishes they could forget, Borderlands 3 because the whole movie seemingly intends to be a comedy or at least that’s how I perceive it.
For some reason, instead of the original quartet of Lilith, Roland, Mordecai, and Brick, the movie features a group of five characters. Visually, the movie appears to be a blend of Mad Max and Suicide Squad aesthetics.
In the film, the masked sniper Mordecai and the formidable hulk of muscle Brick are notably absent, replaced instead by the ex-DAHL scientist Patricia Tannis, portrayed by Jamie Lee Curtis. Interestingly, Curtis portrays Tannis in a live-action portrayal that ages the character approximately 60 years beyond her appearance in the games.
However, that’s not the only problem evident from the first glance. Brick’s absence is noticeable, and if this piece of shit movie aimed for comedy, they could have potentially cast Dwayne Johnson, Kevin Hart’s frequent co-star and butt buddy, to accurately portray the character.
Unfortunately, that’s not the case. Instead, we’re presented with “Tiny Tina,” one of the franchise’s most iconic characters introduced in the second game. Tina is supposed to be a mentally unstable child, but instead, we’re subjected to a portrayal by Ariana Greenblatt, depicting an aged-up rendition from the third game, so not that Tiny after all.
For some inexplicable reason, Krieg joins the cast, the additional DLC character from Borderlands 2. This inclusion feels forced, likely a result of the masked bandits of Pandora being the franchise’s cover staple.
The film’s casting choices are undeniably among the worst I’ve witnessed in recent memory. While the addition of Patricia Tannis, a relatively forgettable NPC, is disappointing enough, the decision to portray her as an elderly character is simply spiteful.
I’ve briefly mentioned the mismatch of having the typically serious character portrayed by Kevin Hart, but it’s also important to address the misfit casting of Cate Blanchett as Lilith. Lilith is meant to be portrayed as a young woman, yet Blanchett, in her mid 50s, doesn’t fit the age profile for the role.
No amount of makeup can redeem the disastrous casting choices, which appear to be nothing more than a desperate attempt to slap some “credible” names on the poster.
It’s clear that the Borderlands movie is prioritizing comedy over staying true to the characters, with Jack Black as Claptrap, Kevin Hart as Roland, and the actresses significantly older than the characters they’re portraying.
Surprisingly, this approach aligns with the modern garbage that Borderlands video games presents, suggesting that the movie could be the most accurate and authentic video game adaptation we’ll ever witness, despite its significant departure from the source material.
With Avi Arad at the helm of production, this direction was somewhat anticipated. His track record, which includes films like Venom: Let There Be Carnage, Morbius, and the Uncharted movie, suggests that no amount of fanservice can salvage a production that was destined to be dreadful from the start.
In the brief trailer, I’ve noticed some elements of fanservice.
For instance, in a short segment of the trailer, Lilith is seen wielding an Infinity Pistol to shoot at an Outrunner manned by several bandits. Additionally, the movie will feature various miniboss enemies from the games, including the forgettable inclusion of “Mouthpiece” from Borderlands 3.
It’s abundantly clear that those involved in production and scriptwriting haven’t even bothered to glance at a summary of the first couple of games in the franchise written by Mikey Neumann.
Instead of featuring notable enemies like Sledge, Skagzilla, Bone Head, Nine Toes, Captain Flynt, and others from the earlier games, we’re presented with cameos of enemies from Borderlands 3.
This choice is perplexing given that Borderlands 3 is remembered more for its nearly twenty-hour slog of woke content, which hardly resonates with fans. The inclusion of Ava, an universally hated character, and the unceremonious killing off of Maya are among the few memorable aspects of the game if any at all.
The casting and character choices come across as forced, as if they’ve only selected well-known characters that casual audiences would recognize, such as Tiny Tina. However, they’ve removed all of her likeable qualities by incorporating her aged-up appearance from Borderlands 3.
The inclusion of Tannis makes absolutely no sense, and the addition of Krieg the Psycho seems to be there solely to fit the franchise’s brand image. If they were going to feature prominent characters alongside forgettable side-characters, one has to question why the plot doesn’t revolve around the infamous Handsome Jack?
The franchise as a whole seems unwilling to move on from his presence with later installments, it’s as if the character has outgrown the games altogether.
Regardless, I don’t bother with movies anymore for this simple reason, to get ones hopes up only allows Hollywood propagandists to demoralize you and crush your beloved franchises with bullshit and propaganda.
Pandora truly isn’t a planet for old women, as Hollywood is poised once again to butcher and tarnish another video game adaptation. I’ve witnessed passionate cosplayers do a superior job at bringing these characters to life, yet a large-scale movie production spanning nearly a decade fails to even come close.
